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Things just aren't like they used to be...

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Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Face Painting by Jessica on Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:50 pm

Hey everyone, I would normally talk I my girlfriends about stuff like this but since having my daughter all those girls seemed to float away...

I think my bf and I are having a rough go. I don't think he knows it because he can never understand why I'm upset. if I try to talk to him about the issues I just get a defensive argument. I don't know what it is, but I think he's changed and it's breaking my heart because I don't want to break up my family. I just started on a new birth control and he seems to think its made me crazy. I'm wondering if that's the case or if I'm just finally getting to the end.

I'm no looking for answers... I just needed to let it out. I was thinking it could also be postpartum depression but I don't think I has to do with her. It's almost like my bf is too comfortable in the relationship that he doesn't filter things anymore. I won't get into details.

Anyway, I guess I just felt like you guys are my friends right now. Mine don't care about me now that I don't drink or do drugs every night. I changed my life fortue better but I feel so stuck and beside myself...

Thanks for taking the time, I really appreciate it Smile I just wanted to vent. Hopefully it blows over soon.
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by JBM on Sun Jun 17, 2012 11:04 pm

Sounds like you're really doing it tough. having a new baby turns your world upside down and sometimes even though its for the better it can take a while to come back into balance. I had a tough time when I had my son and my family did end up breaking up and the thing that saved me from losing it was focusing on the one thing I could change and control - MYSELF. As a parent you owe it to yourself and your child to be happy and healthy and nobody but you holds the key to your happiness unless you let them. I read a great quote yesterday "Love is a choice" I wish my sons father had seen that - that real relationships have ups and downs but such is life. I hope this down doesn't last long for you but until then, get outside in the sunshine, walk, and find reasons to laugh and remember this too shall pass.
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by facesbybelle on Sun Jun 17, 2012 11:38 pm

Hugs and prayers is all I can offer, and yes this too will pass.
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Miss Ronnie on Sun Jun 17, 2012 11:59 pm

Well said, Riana I love you
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Psalmbook on Mon Jun 18, 2012 12:57 pm

Relationships are hard & take work to keep them going(not saying it's a bad thing, but they do). A child changes the whole dynamics of your life. Your focus has shifted to caring for this sweet life. This can be a difficult transition for you & the father. There's a great book by Gary Chapman called The 5 Love Languages that might help. It's meant for married couples, but is really relevant for all relationships. Basically it talks about how everyone has a way the feel loved & share their love & that's your love language. If a spouse, parent, etc shows love in a way that you don't receive, it will seem like their not loving you. It changed mine & my hubbies marriage.
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Face Painting by Jessica on Mon Jun 18, 2012 1:00 pm

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. It's been a really gradual decline and I hope it's just a phase. I love him with all my heart but I want things to change. Maybe after a long talk we can agree on something... I just hate telling him that I think things are going downhill...
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by eva on Mon Jun 18, 2012 2:28 pm

It's taken 10 years for my husband and I to like each other. I wouldn't want to go through the early years again. Most women grow up a lot when they have a baby, it isn't the same for guys. Men and women speak different languages. Make sure when you tell him how you feel you do it constructively. If he feels you are "nagging" or "finger pointing" he will likely get defensive.
As for your friends be patient. They aren't going to grow up at the same time you do, but they will eventually. My friends and I all did kids and families at different times, eventually we all grew up and got to rebuild our relationships around new dynamics we hadnt had before. Your true friends just need some time, but I understand how lonely it can leave you. *hugs*
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Face Painting by Jessica on Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:04 pm

I think that's exactly it, eva. He hasn't grown up with me. I'm 20 and he's 21... Sometimes I forget how young we are because I don't feel it.
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by eva on Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:22 pm

Honey I was 22 when I had my son, it has taken my husband years to grow up and he still has room for growth. It is no excuse for him not to do his part, and not be a good bf. The only one who is in charge of your happiness is you. If we count on others for our happiness we will never see it. You have to do what's best for you and your baby. I wish you the best of luck, it's hard at that age.
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Face Painting by Jessica on Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:33 pm

Thanks, he's truly a wonderful guy and I know we can work if we both try. I just don't want to have to try forever... I know from past experience that we will try for a little while, then kind of let our guard down until we get right back to this point again. If it's going to change it has to be for good.

It's usually just the little things, you know? Like him going to our friend's houses to smoke a few nearly every night, or complaining that I didn't put enough snacks in his lunch... But lately he's been putting down my face painting...

He says I can't make a living off it unless I work every weekend all year. He doesn't want to put our daughter in daycare, he doesn't want me to work week nights or weekends... He wants me to work from home...

Like, it seems as though he feels entitled to tell me what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by PerfectlyPaintedFaces on Mon Jun 18, 2012 4:11 pm

Sometimes I can't relate to the whole 'relationships take work' thing... maybe it's just because my boyfriend and I don't have any children yet so we haven't experienced that major life style change.

But we've been together for three and a half years, and we've never had to 'work' at our relationship. It's been smooth sailing, with a few minor arguments now and again, but nothing worth being mad over for more than a couple hours. I think it helps that we both have very similar personalities, and can often see things from eachother's perspectives. A good sense of humour helps too.

I've had past relationships that 'needed work' and honestly just never worked out. I personally think that relationships shouldn't need work... if you're with the right person - and your best friend, everything is easy.

Of course that doesn't help Jessica's predicament... Communication is a biggie. Try to see things from eachother's perspectives and try to create compromises.

Good luck. I love you
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by SuzySparkles on Wed Jun 20, 2012 9:53 am

both of you should read this book.... It isn't long, so it isn't that big of a hassle.... But it really opened my eyes..

http://www.amazon.com/The-Heart-5-Love-Languages/dp/1881273806/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1340200301&sr=1-3&keywords=The+Five+Love+Languages
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by freedspirit on Wed Jun 20, 2012 3:29 pm

I am so glad that you can vent on here! You guys are so awesome. You are both very young and guys DO really grow up a bit slower than us. As a mum we tend to have to mature alot faster because this little person now depends on you. I have been in your position too where major lifestyle changes have impacted on friendships and my relationship. My husband has needed alot of room to grow. This take a lot of patience,, and the book that Linda has recommended is very good!! You need to beable to talk to you bf about anything!! ANYTHING,, if he really loves you this should be important to him too, that you are happy and and you are both heading in a direction that is positive for both of you. Unfortunately we cant make them grow up ( believe me I have tried) Riana is right you can only change yourself,,You need to let him be who he is ( as long as he is not hurting you and you baby), talking is the best thing though,,My hubby and I talk all the time,,how we are feeling,,what the other has done that we did'nt like or what they are not doing that is ticking us off..We are fortunate that these conversations are always calm and caring because we do want to have a happy and forever marriage. Be careful how you word yourself,,as we can all be a little senstitive if we feel we are being attacked,,remember to praise his good points..MEN LOVE THAT... I really hope that this guy can man up to what lays in front of him,,I know it will be difficult with all his mates out partying etc.. This bit could take a fair bit of time.
.Tell him how face painting makes you feel too,,it's not all about the money,,it actually forfills a need in you to be creative etc..(well it does for me).. I am really cheering for you..No matter what, this situation doe'snt change for you ..your a mum and you need to be happy with who you are,,dont rely on your partner to make you happy or do the right things..I have spent way to much time being miserable over things I could'nt change. And thats a lot of pressure on him too. Now!! I make sure that I do the right things,, apologize quickly when I dont, .. and I rely on myself for most of my happiness,, I need to stop talking!! So I will and I send you loads of hugs and encouragemt.. I love you
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Face Painting by Jessica on Wed Jun 20, 2012 6:10 pm

I'm taking in all your words and advice, and I'm starting to wonder if it is indeed my birth control... some days are fine, some are awful...

He doesn't hurt me and he loves our little girl to death. Like I said, this may be a phase.

I'm just so happy I have all these new friends Smile
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Becky521 on Wed Jun 20, 2012 7:36 pm

You have received great words of advice from everyone here. I just want to add that after my first daughter was born, ANY hormonal birth control made me psycho. It was like having PMS (and some days PMDD) EVERY DAY of my cycle. No synthetic hormones, and I'm much better to be around! That being said, having a baby really does turn your whole world upside down. YOU are not the "same" person you were before, because now you have a little person who depends on you for EVERYTHING. Of course your life will be different! Change is never easy, and it will take time and patience for your family to find a "new" normal. Relationships NEVER stay the same forever. The goal in a relationship should be to grow together, not apart.

I also learned through the support of my girlfriends, my church, and a counselor that I can NEVER change my husband. No matter how much certain things he does irritate me, I can't change him. I can only change myself. If there is something he is doing that is truly hurting me or our children, I can present it to him in a non-confrontational way and then it's up to HIM to process and decide whether he wants to change or not.

There is one more thing. Our significant others (spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever) can NEVER meet all of our emotional needs. They just physically can't and it's unfair to expect them to. So it is important for him to have his friends and you to have yours so that you can meet the emotional needs that you both are lacking at home. Depending on how disruptive his hanging out with his buddies is, maybe he just needs to pick one night a week to hang out with them, but then he needs to give you the same courtesy, and then you need to build time to nurture your relationship together as a couple, and also time to nurture your relationship as a family. You WILL have to try forever. That's just part of a mature relationship. But if he wants it to work, he has to try too.

As far as him saying he doesn't want you to get a job, put the daughter in childcare, etc., it could be he just doesn't want a stranger raising your child, OR it could be a controlling relationship. It sounds like he is growing up and doesn't know exactly how to do it. He wants you to be a SAHM, but he is worried that your facepainting won't bring in enough money to help support the family. It does worry me that he has time to "play" with his friends but doesn't seem to give you the same time to do something for you. Just be careful and assess whether he is trying to control you or just wants to make sure the decisions you make together are best for the family.

I pray you are able to work it out and keep your family together!

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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Jody Rife on Thu Jun 21, 2012 9:00 am

I have to give a shout out for The 5 Love Languages,too. very,very helpful. The others have already said everything so beautifully. I have 3 children and your Wolrd gets really tossed around at times. It is almost like everyone has to get comfortable with where they belong again. I will say a prayer for you. Hope things start getting better soon.
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Lynnie on Mon Jun 25, 2012 12:53 pm

I'm not on here often so I understand that I'm more like a distant cousin than a close friend, but I can offer this:

Men often have knee jerk reactions they aren't aware of to feelings they didn't even know they had.

For example: he's suddenly putting down your face painting as a viable business, but it seems like this is more about finances than about face painting. Perhaps the gravity of having a child is weighing on him and he doesn't even realize it, or that he's lashing out. When the reality of the cost of everything kicks up, nerves do too and people strike out at what is closest and easiest.
My hub did the same thing at one point. We sat down and had a talk and worked it out.

I had my son at 21. It was the fastest growth spurt I ever had. I met my husband two years later and I think he's grown more at our son's (since hub is the only dad son has ever known) pace than anything.

Good luck and swift healing. {{hug}}
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Face Painting by Jessica on Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:05 pm

You know what, I asked him last night if he ever felt like we were going downhill and he said no... So I'm not sure if I should ease up or be even more worried... He doesn't have a clue how I'm feeling Sad
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Face Painting by Jessica on Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:18 pm

He actually told me to keep all of our daughter's gender neutral clothing for the next baby... I think that was the first time I ever thought about not having more with him..
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Face Painting by Jessica on Wed Jun 27, 2012 7:46 am

We had a talk last night and it went well... Apparently his stepmom never went back to work after her last child who is now 14 and that really pissed his dad off. My bf works with his dad so I guess it gets drilled into his head a lot that I need a steady job. The difference though is that I'm still on mat-leave! I have a job to go back to if we need and since finding out we were having a baby I've saved over $15,000 for a back up in case I don't go back.

His family likes to talk. I can't stand it because they're so nice to you in person. I might have to sit down with them and explain our situation, even though I shouldn't have to. Maybe I'll just brag about how I work a 2 hour day and come back with $100, then I'll tell them that I don't even charge near what other painters charge. Ughhhh

Thanks everyone, I totally appreciate your concern and advice Smile
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by SuzySparkles on Wed Jun 27, 2012 8:00 am


For real, both of you read that book... it isn't that long and it realllllly makes sense.
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Face Painting by Jessica on Wed Jun 27, 2012 8:11 am

I'll head over to my local Coles today, Suzy. Thanks for the suggestion Smile
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by SuzySparkles on Wed Jun 27, 2012 8:53 am

I am not usually a book reader or pusher, but this one was really good Smile
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by Becky521 on Wed Jun 27, 2012 9:44 am

Face Painting by Jessica wrote:We had a talk last night and it went well... Apparently his stepmom never went back to work after her last child who is now 14 and that really pissed his dad off. My bf works with his dad so I guess it gets drilled into his head a lot that I need a steady job. The difference though is that I'm still on mat-leave! I have a job to go back to if we need and since finding out we were having a baby I've saved over $15,000 for a back up in case I don't go back.

His family likes to talk. I can't stand it because they're so nice to you in person. I might have to sit down with them and explain our situation, even though I shouldn't have to. Maybe I'll just brag about how I work a 2 hour day and come back with $100, then I'll tell them that I don't even charge near what other painters charge. Ughhhh

Thanks everyone, I totally appreciate your concern and advice Smile

Another thing I learned in my relationship with my DH & his family is Jeff and my decision regarding where either of us work, where we chose to send our children for childcare, etc. is no one's decision but ours. Similarly, it is your and your BF decisions about whether you work, where you work, and what the TWO of you decide is no one's decision but yours. It is none of his parents' business what the TWO OF YOU decide about your future (unless of course they footing any of the financial responsibility, then that changes things as it would irresponsible IMHO to plan to rely on them forever). My in-laws are SO nosy and extremely opinionated about what Jeff and I should and shouldn't do - especially when it comes to money. I've stopped discussing our decisions with them. It's just not worth the arguments. It is up to your BF to tell his parents that the two of you are weighing all the options and making this decision as a couple and that the two of you could really use their moral support in WHATEVER you decide to do.

I swear, relationships would be a lot LESS work if extended families would just stay out of major decisions and support one another! LOL.
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

Post by kat on Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:22 am

Blessings.
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Re: Things just aren't like they used to be...

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