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Apparently it is my night for a break down.

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Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by lady jynx on Sat Oct 06, 2012 2:14 am

Probably best just to skip this one over. I am feeling especially low tonight and this just seems the only place I can let it out.

No life is not fair but lately it seems to be especially cruel.

The biggest upset being I miss my son. I want him home and safe. I am so tired of jumping through hoops and getting screwed for trying to do what's right. I hate that I have stood up for his dad all these years and stood for his rights only for him yet again to call me a liar and put me through hell again. How dare I listen to our son! How dare I stand up for him! How dare I believe and try to help him! But no good deed goes unpunished I suppose. For standing for my son, the courts took him away. I can't afford to keep going but my son can't afford for me to stop. Seriously what he has shared puts it in the realm of life or death. My poor brave little boy.

Next one weighing on me is the fear of scheduling the tests I know I need to have done. I really just don't want to know. I already went through it all once, and don't want to do it again. The months of testing and then the surgery and how it all will escalate if I have to do it again. I can't spare the time and/or energy it would take to be laid up. I am not even going to consider how it would affect me mentally.

Mom has made it back to work but her knee just doesn't seem to be right. After this having been her 4th procedure on it that I have carried and cared for her I am just kind of wondering. Then there is her and dad having to live apart just to make ends meet so they could help with court.

I hate feeling like I am the root of all evil. I really am a good person, so when does it pay off? Life would be so much easier if I played by everyone else's rules but I hold myself to a higher standard with something called morals. I hope that some day it really does pay off because I am really getting tired of the whole "nice guys finish last" thing.

I could keep going on about it all, believe me, but what is the use? Tomorrow is another day and as my dad always says "This too shall pass." Thanks for listening to my rant.
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lady jynx

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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by l!zzie on Sat Oct 06, 2012 3:37 am

I'm here, just go and spitt it all out!
I feel so sorry for you to have to go through this all....
Every single thing's enough to have a break down, but you seem to have it all.
Can't imagine how it has to be, missing your loved son, you're so tough if you can do it when it's best to do in this situation!
Yes, there will be a new morning and as my dad always told me, whenever a day's over, it won't come back, so look at the new one to come.
But then... Today can still be a tough one.

Can't be a 'real' help, but please... Try to take your medical test.... I know what fear is, but had I didn't take the tests, it would have be much worse in time!

Sending you big warm hugs!!
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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by Kammy on Sat Oct 06, 2012 6:44 am

Oh hon, that all sounds dreadful. Sad I don't know what the back-story is with your son, but I can't imagine how painful it must be to be separated from him. It must be so hard to keep up the energy to fight to get him back.

As for the medical tests...I sympathise as I'm having many at the moment, but as Lizzie said, it's worth it. Bear in mind that all a test ever does is give a name to what's ALREADY there. It doesn't change the situation. So if the test's going to find something, you already have it and it's better off treated than not. Please do keep us updated.

Be gentle with yourself. We're all human, we all have "breakdown" days, and not one of us can be strong 100% of the time. Your dad's right - this too shall pass - but in the meantime, vent here as much as you like.

Big hugs,

Kammy x
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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by leapinglizards on Sat Oct 06, 2012 8:53 am

Let me see if I have the right words today....

Never forget, that through it all, you are a divine being and that All That Is speaks to you, and through you.

There is a power available to you, every day, and the more you share it the more it grows.

I KNOW that it gets better before it is over.... which mean, if it's not better yet- it's not over.

Know that we are here for you. Know that many people and All That Is is here for you. Every time you pick up a brush, paint a face, or wash out a sponge, let it remind you that you are blessed and divine.

We love you.

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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by TinafromNY on Sat Oct 06, 2012 9:21 am

I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. Stay strong. I'll say a prayer for you, Tina xoxo
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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by Miss Ronnie on Sat Oct 06, 2012 11:05 am

dean - those are THE most beautiful words a person can say to another person who is hurting. Thank you so much for sharing them.

lady jynx - YOU ARE LOVED... and the most important thing for us in this world is to show love to our fellow mankind - that is why we exist!

Love to you and to lizzie for her personal health battle. I love you
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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by veelux on Sat Oct 06, 2012 11:17 am

Lady Jynx, I am sorry for your incredible on going battles - you are strong and the people who care about you care deeply, you are not alone. Trust in the Lord and use that strength to rise above. We are here to listen and lend support when you are feeling a little overwhelmed- always let it out and you will find healing and the strength to get through it. Prayers and Love to you Dear Lady:heart:
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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by lady jynx on Sat Oct 06, 2012 12:08 pm

Thank you all for your love and support. After my posting last night I gave up had a good cry and took my sleeping meds for the first time in months. I woke up feeling so much better. Life loves to pile it on for me and it happens frequently but I keep my chin up and just keep going. I have often been told that I have inspired many to do great things.

Lizzie, I imagine you very much can relate with your current health issues. I have been following your thread and my heart goes out to you. I hope every day is your best day ever.

My testing is to see if the cervical cancer has returned, or more appropriately if they got it all when I had surgery in March. I was fortunate that it hadn't been to the point of requiring chemo but if it does return they are likely to simply do the hysterectomy and be done with it. During my last surgery they tied my tubes as it wasn't likely I would be able to carry to term anymore. Yes I will be taking my tests. I just have to schedule them. Don't want to but will still do it, cause if I don't then I run the risk of not being here for my son and that just doesn't work.

You see in April my son made his first disclosure of heart breaking gut wrenching abuse by his step mom. Not that any abuse is not mind you but the things I have heard my son say are just, well, I wouldn't do most of them to any body much less a child and it even takes it to the level of a concern for life and death. I have fought like hell through the courts on my own since I had no ability to get a lawyer. Sadly though in August his dad claimed I was just trying to alienate him and was granted full custody. He has now shut off his phone and left me with no way to reach my boy. He calls me a couple times a week and insists that she is behaving herself and I can say she is nice but a tiger doesn't change it's stripes. I have heard him lie before and I am sorry but I don't trust her. Especially after he had told us her threats of what would happen if he ever did. My break down was started last night by a phone call from his dad, just to irritate and harrass me. Furthermore he has not been complying with the court orders. We have almost ran out of the retainer and I don't have any more funds to continue paying the lawyers.

Anyways thank you all for your love support and kind words. I have taken them to heart and will continue to fight on.
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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by JJJJJ on Sun Oct 07, 2012 8:26 am

Lady Jynx - You said: "I hope that some day it really does pay off because I am really getting tired of the whole "nice guys finish last" thing."

I can only tell you from experience that it does. It does pay off. Plus, being the "good person" and living by the higher standard is the only way you can be. That's who you really are.

Hang in there, again and again. And re-read Leaping Lizard's post, which is a beautiful paragraph of the truth. It is the truth of living.

I wish you the best on your journey. Sending hope to you.

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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by l!zzie on Mon Oct 08, 2012 2:28 pm

How are you today, lady Jynx?!
Did you have a better night's sleep?!
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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by lady jynx on Wed Oct 10, 2012 1:31 pm

Thanks for checking in on me Lizzie. (BTW my youngest is also a Lizzie.) Wink If I recall correctly by dates I believe you are doing so on a day that you were to have a treatment. All the more thoughtful of you.

I haven't much to report.

I have managed some sleep but it isn't restful. I am extremely caught up in a feeling of being overwhelmed but I just keep pushing through. Trying to keep on top of life.

In any case, I am still alive and so is everyone else so I suppose that is something.
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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by Kammy on Wed Oct 10, 2012 1:34 pm

I'm glad you're surviving, but hope you get to thriving soon. Hang on to hope, and treat yourself with respect and gentleness, and you'll get there.

Big hugs.
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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by lady jynx on Wed Oct 10, 2012 11:54 pm

Just thought I would share that after talking to my son this evening his dad got on the phone to inform me that they have had their phone turned back on so that I can call him again. This I am sure was brought about by his freaking out that I had retained a lawyer down there. I am to be allowed constant contact to my son. CONSTANT. Not when his dad feels like having him call. So I have no doubt that his dad probably consulted with a lawyer of his own that told him shutting his phone off was not the brightest play. And he had claimed that I was keeping them apart. Yeah uh huh. At least I had a reason, and it wasn't because I wanted to "save money". Anyways I can now call my son anytime again. Small victory but a victory!!! Now we have round 378,652. :::DING:::
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Re: Apparently it is my night for a break down.

Post by l!zzie on Thu Oct 11, 2012 1:34 am

So glad you can call him again whenever you feel for it!!
And happy you can see it as a victory, however small it is, this battle is yours!!
cheers


I didn't have my treatment tuesday, but will have it next tuesday!
I'm in my 'good week' now. On friday I'll have my bloed examined and have to visit my doctor. Next week treatment 3, if everything's ok.
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