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Dishonest-what to do

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Dishonest-what to do

Post by amylady222 on Sun Oct 07, 2012 12:28 pm


so I have been dishonest to my husband.

I have spent about 275 dollars on my kit but my husband thinks I spend about 175.

My husband is NOT abusive or controlling, but we have just got out of debt --last week! (still have school and house) and he is scared to get back into it (me too).

He airbrushes (cars, hemets and such) so he has a good idea of how much paints cost---SO

I have alot of stuff that I have kept hidden from him---

Judge me as you will, but do I tell him? do I tell him the school gave me $100 for painting at their school carnival (which is somewhat true--I just won't get it until after Nov. 15th)? I have also thought of telling him that I bought the paints from someone off the forum who was selling lots of stuff at a good price

I have tried the arguement that you gotta spend money to make money, but around here I do not have a lot of opportunites to paint so the money isn't coming in.

What do you all think?
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by Kammy on Sun Oct 07, 2012 12:43 pm

Oh dear, Amy - that's tough. We're all human, and it's so easy to make little slips and omissions here and there that lead to a conscience-prodding feeling, isn't it?

For a start, perhaps think about WHY you spent so much. I say this because I'm having to do the same! It can be so addicting receiving those little packages of beautiful colour through the post, but are you using it to fill an emotional void or substitute some other joy in your life?

As for whether you actually tell your husband now it's done....up to you. If you spent money you can afford, that would've been appropriate to spend on other "you" stuff - clothes, treats, a meal out, etc. - then I'd say there's no harm done. This is how my paints came about.

If it's money that your husband thinks is still available for the family, then that's more of a problem. In that case, it may well be best to approach him now, rather than wait for him to find out and then feel upset with you.

Remember you're only human. And you're fabulous.

Kammy x
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by Guest on Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:10 pm

This is why I don't have one of those husband things. Never could see why anyone would want one.

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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by Kammy on Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:23 pm

Shannon Fennell wrote:This is why I don't have one of those husband things. Never could see why anyone would want one.
LOL Shannon. I don't have a "husband thing" either. Just a Matt, who I'm happily unmarried to. Been there, done that, don't want to do it again...
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by fesspenter on Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:56 pm

Shannon, you coulda had my husband. He is a terrific photographer. He is a nice guy. Fantastic dancer. And, I would have taken all your face Diamond F/X off your hands.
Also, at 6'2" he is tall enough to reach the big wooden Caesar Salad bowl in the cupboard above the fridge.

I have always told Tim the absolute truth about what I am spending on Face Paints. I don't think he cares. I think he would worry if he found out I was keeping it a secret. Relationships are tough enough without have people like me telling you what to do. You have to decide on your own.

By the way... you didn't "spend" money on face paint and glitter...
you just invested in your future.

xoxoxxo
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by amylady222 on Sun Oct 07, 2012 2:05 pm

Husbands are a blessing and a curse I agree. We have been on the edge of the big D a few times, but I love him to much to give him the boot.

I am not trying to fill a void that I know of. I have only plaved 3 orders and have carefully planned what to order in order to get the most for my money. The first order was $50--a few paints, a few brushes, a glitter and brush bath. $50 doesn't go very far.
The second order was from SillyFarm (62 + 158) because they had a few things the FacePaintForum-(116)-which was were I placed my my third order.---EEK! that is actually closer to 350--not 275!



this is my kit--one bush and my brush bath are at my SIL house--oops, but it seems like that isn't a huge kit.

Kammy--amazing advice.

We live in a very rural (poor) area and there is little to no money for me. I get to eat fast food maybe twice a month and rarely buy clothes/jewerly for myself, so my guilt is no longer as great. I will call it a birthday/Christmas present for myself!

my life is kind of a roller coaster because my husband is out of town on and off. We get along better when he is IN town, and right now he is out of town most of the week. I see him Saturday afternoon till Monday morning (4:30). This job only lasts till the end of this month so hopefully with us now out of debt (excpet school and home) he will stick around more.


fesspaint--my husband cares for every dime! not in a demanding way, he was raised really poor (think shooting rabbits in the field in order to have meat with your dinner & a garden is a life line for having food in the winter) so he is really careful with money. Until I can prove to him that this is an investment and not just wasted money I am not sure I he will understand.
PS: my hubby is 6'2' and all around amazing guy! he doesn't keep secrets from me, but I am pretty easy going so I have no problems with his issues (so far) Smile

Alright--ladys sorry for the book. Thanks for the suggestions
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by fesspenter on Sun Oct 07, 2012 2:17 pm

It costs a LOT of money at the beginning when you invest in your kit.
The spending was a lot slower as I acquired more paint.
I did an 18 day, six hours a day job at the end of August 2012. I spent over $400 replenishing my kit after the event. I spent about $600 just before the event. (That was for me and my three apprentices.)
One of the most frivolous purchases that I made was the FacePaintForum Tip Jar... it turned out to be one of the best little money makers. The Tip Jar paid for itself in the first 20 minutes that I put it out at an event. This is all investment.
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by Kammy on Sun Oct 07, 2012 3:17 pm

Amy, I love your kit! It looks really compact but broad-ranging enough to be useful...and I sooo want your butterfly brush! I do think you're going to need lots more sponges for gig use, but they're not terribly expensive - I pay 3.50 for 10, I think?

What's the little split-cake palette? It looks lovely, do you find yourself using it often?

Would you like me to take a photo of my kit, by way of assuaging your guilt. Because - and believe me on this - it will. Wink

Kammy x
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by veelux on Sun Oct 07, 2012 7:36 pm

If you invested to further your business, he may be very understanding. You can also tell him you are ready to take any job that comes your way with a stocked kit. If you feel like you should tell him, you should tell him. My husband sometimes uses more money than I like for web development mods. and when I know there won't be a return on the investment, it upsets me, but he always tells me about it, and I appreciate it. He will appreciate your honesty I think. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by Guest on Sun Oct 07, 2012 8:46 pm

I spent around $17000 my first year... and made $20...

... see why I don't want a husband thing?

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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by PaintedFaces on Sun Oct 07, 2012 9:08 pm

I spent $600 in my very first ever order, I think. As you have found out, it's not cheap to stock a good professional quality facepainting kit. You've got a great little kit that you'll be able to do a wide range of party faces with.

I understand it's not the spend but the deception that's bothering you though, and unfortunately only you can decide whether the drama or the guilty conscience will be worse. Maybe go hustle hard for some jobs to recover the money, THEN tell him if you'll feel better. Smile
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by TheGildedCat on Sun Oct 07, 2012 11:15 pm

Kits are expensive. There's no way around that. That said, your question is not whether your kit is justified, but whether the lying is.
I'm taking the Dr.Phil/Dave Ramsey/Suze Orman response here and say:

You lied. To a person you love. And you're continuing the deception by hiding your kit from him because you know you're lying. Who would want to be married to a person who lies and hides things from them, regardless of whether it's paint or a cheating lover?

Enough tough love from me, you've got to own up and tell the absolute truth. You made a poor choice by spending more money than you should have, and what's done is done, at least tell him the truth about it so he doesn't find out accidentally.
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by Miss Ronnie on Sun Oct 07, 2012 11:29 pm

I once ate a whole pan of brownies that I made for my (ex) husband back in the dark ages. I made the pan at night and ate the entire yummy thing while he was at work. Then I had to go beg my neighbor to take me to the store (hubby had the car) so I could buy another brownie mix and start all over.

Dr. Phil would make mincemeat out of me.... Rolling Eyes
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by Bee Happy Design on Sun Oct 07, 2012 11:34 pm

My husband counts my new(ish) computer in my spending to start up this thing... it's a iMac and I also have CS6 on it. ( I plan to start using it for my graphic design business but I've been focusing on the face painting for now ) so there's 3 grand. BUT we both agreed together it would be a worthwhile purchase since I do so much of my work on the computer - in both businesses. I even tried to talk HIM down and just sticking with my old PC laptop and just getting the software. But anyways... I keep thinking things are going great this year and I'm breaking even between jobs I've done and paint I've bought. He reminds me of the computer... Rolling Eyes

I have also been known to minimize my spending amount. It's my business and my business money in a separate account that he doesn't look at. I bought a few things I now realize I didn't NEED but were fun to have. I probably spent about as much as you on the actual paint and supplies - and I already had a bunch because I was working for an entertainment company for a year prior. I am now making a conscious effort to utilize my kit as much as possible - and go on a face paint and kit/setup buying diet. Building up the business and capital is more important. I wanted to buy a new table set up the other day and said "well it's only maybe $20!" He was not happy with the idea and reminded me I have a table that works well that I should just use now (and until it should happen to break but it's heavy duty). He was right and ultimately I'm glad he talked me out of it. I should not be nickel and diming MYSELF out of business...

I'm still figuring out what works well for me but in reality I can go out with what I have and do fantastic work - people are constantly amazed. You also look to have a great kit - looks reasonable and versatile. Use it till it's gone and then restock or get new/different colors and play a bit.

My husband is also better and pays more attention to finances than I do. I hate running purchases past him first but it works out better in the end. He doesn't usually have much to say about the actual paint, though because he doesn't know exactly what I need/want whatever. That's my arena but he would remind me to use the colors I have already and do the designs I am comfortable with now to get started. The extras will come.

I hope so cause I REALLY want to start doing glitter tats, too! cyclops
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by PaintedFaces on Sun Oct 07, 2012 11:43 pm

My husband and I both have hobbies that cost a not-small amount of money and having to fund that sort of discretionary spend out of our general finances caused friction in the early days. For MANY years now we've had a monthly 'allowance' just like the kids, only bigger Smile That money is our own, we can spend it on anything we want and no questions asked. It works for us.

When my business doesn't quite balance. (yeah, sometimes the money gets spent on maintenance around here instead, y'know?) or when I want something SO SHINY that isn't exactly necessary for my kit, that's what I use.
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by Bee Happy Design on Sun Oct 07, 2012 11:45 pm

Oh yeah - talk about hobbies... my hubby says that the money I earn to pay off the computer is going towards his motorcycle fund... Suspect
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by PaintedFaces on Sun Oct 07, 2012 11:47 pm

Tell him he'll have to start giving tourists rides on the motorbike then. Wink After all, your computer helps with your income, right? lol.
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by amylady222 on Sun Oct 07, 2012 11:57 pm

You all have given great insights to what I need to do.

I will keep you posted--But please keep the stories and information coming --I am LOVING this!!
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by Valerie A on Mon Oct 08, 2012 1:28 am

Amy,
First, you two need a big cheers to have gotten out of debt (aside from home & school.) That is a BIG feat and you should be proud of that! Savor it. Think hard on it next time you are tempted to make a paint order. Wink

As for telling your husband…if your husband was an unreasonable lunatic who would harm you, then you would have much concern. But you said he isn't, so you probably just don’t want to disappoint/irritate him since you've both obviously worked hard to get out of debt. That is understandable.
If this were in reverse (your husband spent some money he shouldn't right now)…what would YOU like HIM to do? Would you like him to admit it and you both sort it out and move on? or would you like to come across information showing that he’d spent the money and didn’t bother to tell you?
…in my opinion nothing good ever comes of keeping a secret like that. People (assuming they are mature) can always come to terms with the truth, but with deception it is always a slippery slope. Even if a mate never finds out…if something weighs on someone’s conscience and they ignore it, I think it damages who the person is at their core.

I also think Kammy had a point about filling a void/substituting…especially since you have had so many sad circumstances lately. You would naturally feel ‘down’ and paints are soooo bright and cheery! and painting is fun, relaxing, emotionally gratifying… And there’s a lot worse ways to ‘self-medicate.’ Shocked You just probably better not look in the forum shop for awhile! Laughing

If you tell your husband about it and he is irritated, maybe you can suggest it is your birthday/christmas present (as mentioned.) I can’t imagine that, over time, he wouldn't soften and give you a present for those times anyway! I love you

Also, even though there probably aren’t a lot of gigs available to you in a small area, you have done a paying job already! You could possibly have a write off for your taxes (a point husbands like Wink ) if you genuinely show that you are TRYING to have a profit motive. Some tax people will tell you that you can only claim it as a hobby, but my husband is a tax consultant/enrolled agent and he says if a person can prove a genuine profit motive, IRS will allow it. Things like a business checking account (credit unions are cheapest) business cards, precise record keeping, a website all show profit motive. Most new businesses don’t show a profit for awhile anyway.

You said you live in a rural area and not a lot of opportunities to paint…I think you just may be able to make opportunities. You won’t be able to make as much as some here on the forum, but usually the wages in small rural areas are lower anyway, so anything you DO would surely help out. Could you offer painting at parties for people at a very reasonable price for that area? I’m not suggesting selling yourself terribly short, but there must be some dollar amount that will click there that will give you the opportunity to make some money doing what you are coming to love so much (and getting good at I might add!) And even if you don't decide to make it an actual 'booming business', it could be a way to pay back,over time, the family funds for the paint you've purchased already (another good point talking point for husband Very Happy)

Sorry to go on so long…your story just touched my heart and out it flows!
Take care, kiddo!


Last edited by Valerie aka NieleA on Mon Oct 08, 2012 2:09 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : an oppsie)
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by l!zzie on Mon Oct 08, 2012 3:25 am

That's a tough one.....
We all love to buy FP stuf, and it's very addictive!

I pay for my own stuf with the money I earn and doesn't go to our joint account. It's a small amount each month, just to spend on things I love and don't have to explain why it's necessary to buy them.
If I pay from our joint account I immediately ask on beforehand or (sometimes) after.
Why? Because it isn't MY money but OURS! Money that can't be spend anymore to children, house, grocery, car etc...
If both of us would spend money, not knowing from each other, we would have had financial problems.

So, I agree with Kammy... If it's family money, I would tell him.
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by artyfacesbyluz on Mon Oct 08, 2012 4:21 am

I think we all have done the same thing, specially cause we have sharing bank accounts so is impossible for you to hide things, but what I did, I paid him back when I had money coming in, now that I have regular gigs I open a bank acc just in my name were I put the face painting money and I spent only in face paint, that way I limit myself to buy the things on my budget.
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by Kammy on Mon Oct 08, 2012 6:25 am

Mine comes out of my treat money, as I said, but I've been known to overspend a little and cut into my taxi budget (which is there because I have a mobility issue sometimes)....and then I'd be stumped if I needed a taxi to get somewhere. Oops. Embarassed

Kammy, who just ordered TAG split cakes.................. xx
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by Miss Ronnie on Mon Oct 08, 2012 9:21 am

amylady222 wrote:You all have given great insights to what I need to do.

I will keep you posted--But please keep the stories and information coming --I am LOVING this!!

Unfortunately I have no great insight for you... but I had a pretty good
"Brownies? What brownies?" story.

My point was - a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away - I thought I had to answer to a man... Since then I have learned that while I do not have to answer to a husband, I still want one for handyman & gardening purposes - and someone to play cards or board games with once in awhile. (I may have to wait 'til I qualify for the senior citizen home for that, though.) Other than that, If I ever feel the need to eat an entire pan of brownies or buy $1,000.00 worth of face paint I can freely do so and only have to worry about yelling at myself... Wink
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by amylady222 on Mon Oct 08, 2012 10:55 am

This is going to be a long post since I want to respond to each of you.
here is some more of the back story--

I was the one that got us into debt. My hubby hates Disneyland and I grew up with it almost being a religion--my kids call my mom Grandma Minnie for Minnie Mouse. SO...since I have no income myself, I am a Stay at home mom by choice, I feel like I don't have "free money" or "My Money" so I thought if I opened a Disney card and paid the house bills with it and then paid the card back I could not only get points to take the kids to Disneyland, but the hubby wouldn't have to know. Well I am NOT good with money and about 1,500.00 I figure out this isn't going to work and plan on telling hubby how I got us into debt. (not alot for todays standards I know, but for mostly stupid spending (fast food, dollar tree crap--and so on).

That isn't the only debt we had, but the rest of the debt was "us" stuff, a car, a few home important things, and so on.

I didn't tell my hubby, but like all stories he found out when we refinanced the house. He was very calm and hurt.

We come from a very different money background. His parents (now divorced) each swim in debt. While my parents struggled while I was little, but I got almost everything I ever needed or wanted (not right away, mostly my wants were for birthdays and such). My father passed away in 2009 and left my mom in a really good money place--she is still working, but mostly by choice. So with that background.

My husband spends very little personal money and most of the money he does spend is on stuff for our family or on tools or other things that can make our family money. He sees little value on spending money for "things"....which is one reason I love him--he is good and smart and logical with money....But I am not.

I have money I spend it. Not a great way to live I know. With his new job he is making more money a week then we use to make in a month. While this job is temporary I feel like "Lets take some of this money and buy things we want" while he sees "Lets only buy what we need and see how long it lasts."

Plus he is super logical and I lose just about every money arguement we have because he is "right". I tell him "you are right, but I still think you are wrong". Does that make sense.

So the Rest of the story ----I already got us into debt and don't want to tell hubby that I spent money (even thought all my facepaint stuff is already paid off).


Shannon--I understand about the whole husband thing--but there is NO way I could spend money on this job, unless I had a husband or a JOB, and if I left my husband I would have to work full time and I don't want to do that while my kids are young---so that is NOT the only reason I stay married, but I have to admit sometimes when we are fighting that is a big reason--I don't want to miss my kids lives...and I applaude anyone mother who works because you are amazing people!

fesspainter--I wanted to get the tip jar and have that on my wish list for when I do order again.

Painted Faces---the paints aren't the issue, your are right. It is the "hiding money" part. I do like the allowance idea for me, because I do feel guilty spending "our" money are stuff that doesn't benefit "us", but only me!

The Guilded Cat--That is what my heart is telling me--don't keep secrets...But I will say Money is the ONLY secret I keep from my husband.

Miss Rhonnie--I have a friend who does the same thing. She will make a treat, and immediatly bring me the pan (minus about 1/4) so she won't eat all of it. She has eatten the whole pan and hid that she did, even lighting scented candles so her hubby wouldn't know. I see that this is the same/different as that situation. I feel like on your last post you are saying I am an adult and shouldn't have to answer to anyone, but until I am no longer married (Which I really hope is not anytime soon), I do have to think about him and "answer" to him.

Bee Happy Faces--What an understanding husband. My hubby sees my roles as wife and mother as VERY important and no job, hobby is as important and if it takes me away from the home then it isn't worth it (until the kids are older). That is another reason I love him. He understands (in my opinion) that it is his duty to provide money for our family so I can concentrate on the kids/house/marriage--yes I am old fashioned. I have had other jobs while we have been married and had kids (In fact I worked for my MIL for about 4 years while married and having kids). So he isn't stopping me from doing outside jobs, he just isn't super supportive of it. That is funny about the motocycle. That is another thing, my husband doesn't play "even"--you spend that money, I get to spend this money.

Valerie--We were planning on selling a car so we could get out of debt a little faster so we are way ahead of our 5 year plan now so Thanks it feels great! If my hubands spent money on something he loved I would be so happy for him, but he rarely does that. I can only think of one or two projects where he spent money on "him"--which actually was to build a 4X4 buggie so the whole family could go out together. So even when it is for "him", he has the family in mind. I think that if I tell him he will be angry and hurt (totally understandable), but I don't want to hear the lecture about our money--which I already know. I guess I am pretty rebelous about this. I had my orders planned out before any of these sad things happened in my life. so I don't see it as a void filler I see it as a trying to get my basic kit so I can do faces with more than a rainbow arty cake and Blk & white arty cake. About the whole birthday/ Christmas )--my disneyland debt is my birthday/christmas gift for the next 3 years, and we don't even get to go-Stupid spending!--so now I am four years in the birthday/chirstmas hole.
I am finding a struggle with putting myself out there because most gigs I see in our area are for nights and weekends--prime family time, so that is something I will have to learn to deal with and balance. Plus my hubby works out of town so he he isn't available to watch kids.
I know I haven't made enought to claim any tax stuff, maybe next year. Our tax person is a friend of ours so I will ask her for details--thanks!

Lizzie & Arty Faces--We have two joint accounts and we each have our own account--but I never have money in my account because I don't have any "my" money. I see a need to talk to my husband about this and maybe that is where the stupid spending can stop on my end.

Kammy-where do you live. Sounds silly, but I want to ride in a taxi before I die. Denver (the city I grew up by) didn't have very many when I was living there, and where I live the only taxi's that run are in a town 25 miles away and they only run from 10pm-3am and mostly for the bars.

sorry for the book---thanks everone!
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Re: Dishonest-what to do

Post by Doe on Mon Oct 08, 2012 12:43 pm

I just want to tell you that I am sorry you are hurting...

I have spent a lot of money on paints in the past year - but, I'm also in the middle of a divorce and no one will say BOO about what I have been spending.

I bought a lot before I was making any money at face painting - but, at the end of my first summer, I have nearly broken even. A few purchases were quite large (FABATV and a workshop coming up) and I am not counting those in this amount... Anyway - all of that is to say, start charging for your services as soon as you feel you can and put all that money back into your business - keep track of the spending and the earning and pay back the money you used from your family accounts... the sooner you make an effort to start paying it back, the more seriously he will take your commitment to doing so.

At any rate - here is a big hug for you ((((((hug))))) because marriage and money troubles can SUCK.
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Doe

Number of posts : 406
Age : 50
Location : Edmonds (N. Seattle) WA
Registration date : 2011-08-26

http://www.doearts.com

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